My Little Glass Box

Disclaimer: this is not a super positive, feel-good post––more genuine and honest. Hope you enjoy nonetheless.

As most of my subscribers know,  I am a tall, lean, blonde-haired, blue-eyed young women with many qualities that would qualify me as being "attractive" (OK, that is an awkward way of saying it, but ya'll know what I am trying to get at). I am very appreciative for what my parents contributed to my appearance in terms of genetics, and on top of that, I spend hours in the gym and pay close attention to how I feed my body so that I can optimize my form. And due to these factors, I receive a considerable amount of attention.

In the USA, I feel pretty, above-average in looks, but essentially average in terms of how I dress, how I carry myself, how I go about building relationships. I can walk around town in tight jeans and a crop top, and no bra without anyone thinking twice–just a young woman feeling good in her skin and living her life. Abroad however, I have had a completely different experience: when I walk down the street, I can very intensely feel eyes on me, and when I wear clothes that show a little skin or shoes with a bit of a heal, there are even more eyes; eyes that linger longer.

I do not want to sound unappreciative, pretentious, or melodramatic. Clearly, we all crave attention, we all want to be wanted, we all desire to be viewed attractively by possible sexual partners. We live in a society and these things occurs naturally. CLEARLY it feels good to receive flattering messages on instagram from randoms saying how pretty I am and to be approached by strangers in bars, because every instance feels like a compliment. A little reminder in my day that says, "hey, you're an attractive young lady and people want to build relationships with you for that!" But what I want to communicate is that sometimes it is nice to be wanted in areas other than appearance. In addition to my looks, I am fairly above average in intelligence. I am interested in art, culture, travel. I love to cook and read. I also love to sit on the couch with a carton of ice cream and watch trash tv.

Over the past month, I have received 50+ instagram message requests. I have been asked out on dates by complete strangers. I receive invitations to parties. Random people buy me drinks at bars.

And perhaps I am misinterpreting the intentions of these action. Perhaps this is just friendliness. But what leads me to believe otherwise is that all of the interaction that I have described have come from men. For this reason, it does not feel like pure friendliness, it feel like sexualization. Since coming to Argentina, I have honestly felt more like an object of sex rather than a student, more than a person with real emotions, a unique personality, and a desire for privacy.

Essentially, I feel like I have been living in a glass box, untouchable but on display. And I say "untouchable" because, in the end, it is my decision to accept or decline these invitations. I do not have to reciprocate if I do not want to, and in that, I do feel some security. But at the same time, I sometimes wish I could turn off the little light in my glass box that keeps me illuminated at all times. I want the darkness in order to exist without being watched and analyzed. Sometimes I want to be left alone. I know I do not have the power to chose who does and does not look at me, for we all have freewill, but I find myself desperately searching for ways to hide, whether that be keeping my eyes on the ground as I walk down the street, folding my arms over my body, or standing in the corner of rooms.

I know that I should feel confident in my body, but in this foreign country, my feeling of confidence and empowerment also feels foreign.